Danno's Losing It!


Dear Danno,
I'm an aspiring actress. My friends say that if I'm going to make it to the top, I have to "sleep" my way there. Is that true, and if so, should I have sex just to make it big?
signed...Aspiring in Ardmore

DEAR ASPIRING,
NO, IT'S NOT TRUE, AND IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD NOT ADVISE IT. HOWEVER, IF YOU'RE STILL UNSURE, WE CAN DISCUSS IT FURTHER IN PERSON. LET'S MEET AT THE ARDMORE MOTEL ON MAIN STREET AT...OH, SHALL WE SAY NINE O'CLOCK TOMORROW NIGHT?


Dear Danno,
Is it true you were once a suicide prevention hotline phone operator?
signed...Curious in Aspen

DEAR CURIOUS,
IT'S TRUE...I WAS A PRETTY GOOD ONE TOO. I'D TELL YOU TO ASK ONE OF THE MANY PEOPLE I HELPED...BUT I THINK THEY'RE ALL DEAD.


Dear Danno,
What is your favorite Italian dish?
signed...Italiano in Little Italy

DEAR ITALIANO,
I HAVE ITALIAN DISHES AT HOME THAT HAVE A NICE PICTURE OF THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA. MY GRANDMA GAVE THEM TO ME. THOSE WOULD BE MY FAVORITE ITALIAN DISHES.


Dear Danno,
Why are all New Yorkers so rude and impolite?
signed...Dixie in the South

DEAR DIXIE,
I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN NEW YORK, AND THAT SIMPLY IS NOT TRUE YOU IDIOT! NEXT TIME I HOPE YOU'LL HAVE PROOF BEFORE MAKING SUCH AN ABSURD ACCUSATION. NOW, GO SCREW YOURSELF!


Dear Danno,
Can you recommend a good plastic surgeon?
signed...Facing Surgery in Florida

DEAR FACING,
WHY WOULD YOU NEED A SURGEON TO REPAIR PLASTIC? I USE SCOTCH TAPE.


Dear Danno,
Do you think you'll ever win the Pulitzer Prize?
signed...Writer in Washington

DEAR WRITER,
NO, I'M AFRAID I DON'T ACT...



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