Danno's Advice for the Expectant Daddy

Dear Readers,
Often I am asked by soon-to-be-new-Dads what the whole thing is like. The most common complaint, is that there are many books for the expectant Moms, but rarely any books directed at the new Dads. Therefore, I will print for you a few pages from my soon-to-be- hopefully-one-day-book entitled: The Unofficial New Daddy Handbook. I hope the advice helps.


THE EVENT ITSELF
It’s Time! This is it! You’re thinking this will be great! Your wife is cursing you. It’s common....don’t sweat it.
The nurse gives you both explicit instructions. Luckily, Dad’s game plan is pretty simple. It is your job to be a coach. Hell, anybody can be a coach. Daddy’s other responsibility is to hold Mommy’s hand. This is a very painful experience, because Mom tends to squeeze your hand tighter than a pair of vice grips. But in the delivery room, nobody wants to hear about your broken hand. For whatever the reason, Mom seems to draw most of the attention. While labor is ongoing, Dad is asked to offer encouraging words to Mom. However, these are five phrases that you should avoid saying while in the delivery room:

1) Honey, I can’t wait to have sex again...

2) Did you pay the water bill?

3) Nevermind you....I think my hand is broken...

4) Yeech...that’s disgusting...

5) Hey, that nurse is cute.

Well, the big moment arrives. You thank God at that moment because the circulation in your hand has ceased. The doctor says push, the nurse says push, so you say push. To your wife, it’s like watching Larry, Moe, and Curly in action.
And then, poof...out pops this little head, and man...is this kid ugly or what? “Aliens” immediately comes to mind. The doctor then says something like, “one big push now!” Mom gives that one last push....and squirt...out comes your new kid.
The first thing a new Dad will do is check for a pee pee. If you see pee pee, it’s a boy...no pee pee, it’s a girl. The doctor then asks you to cut the umbilical cord like it’s some sort of pepperoni. So you nervously cut the cord and pray the doctor doesn’t say something like....”oh oh”. Thankfully, the nurse takes the kid at this point and cleans him up.
Well...you are relieved that all is well and you have a healthy son or daughter. The big moment has ended, and you’ve come away relatively unscathed. Suddenly, the doctor asks your wife to push again. You are perplexed. “What the hell?”, you say...”is there another kid in the belly?” You anxiously bend over and look at Mom’s uterus to see if another baby is coming your way. You look closer and closer and oops.....afterbirth.
This is enough to kill your appetite for a week. It’s worse than a scene from “Aliens”. Hell...it’s worse than a scene from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”.
After you’ve survived that Non-Kodak moment, you walk over to see your new kid. You immediately look at the kid’s facial features to make sure there is a resemblance. It’s sometimes difficult to tell at first because many kids come into this world looking like, well… Charlie Callas. Some kids have their noses scrunched up to their eyes, some kids ears stick out...this is common. Usually the kid bounces back into shape in four or five hours.
Now, while Mom is holding the kid, you glance around and notice that Mom doesn’t look very good “down there”. Some Daddy’s will turn to the doctor and ask: “You gonna fix that?” My advice : don’t say that. Be patient...The doctor is not going to let your wife leave the hospital with a pothole present where a vagina used to be.
Well Dad...Congratulations! You have survived the delivery and the birth of your beautiful (or ugly) child.


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