Danno's Poor Taste Advice

Dear Danno,
My husband "Carl" left me...not for another woman, but for another man! I feel that there is something wrong with me that I could turn my husband in that direction. What could I have possibly done to turn my husband toward another man? Is it me?
signed....Crushed in Cascadia
Dear Crushed,
It's not you. This sort of thing is quite common. It is important that you not blame yourself for your husbands actions. Unfortunately in todays society, men often prefer to be with a younger woman. So please...don't beat yourself up over....oh wait... your letter said he left you for another man? Oh...well in that case...yes, it's you.

Dear Danno,
I am engaged to be married next Spring. I love my wife-to-be, and we have a strong relationship. My problem....my mother-in-law to-be hates me. I like her, but she despises me. The peculiar thing is; I don't know why. What should I do? I don't want her to come between me and "Doris".
signed....Engaged in Evansville
Dear Engaged,
I had a similar problem with my future mother-in law. However, that all changed once she saw how much I loved her daughter. Now...the fat bitch likes me!

Dear Danno,
My husband has a terrible problem. He suffers from uncontrollable gas attacks. He passes gas in supermarkets, at work, at home, and even at church. I am ashamed to be with him. What can be done about his condition? Is there anything I can do?
signed....Abashed in Akron
Dear Abashed,
I'm no doctor, but I believe that your husband's gas attacks are caused by hardening of the farteries. He may need a triple by-gas surgery. Please consult a specialist.


Dear Danno,
Help me please! I cry every day. I am overweight. I can't help myself...I love to eat. But people laugh at me every day. This is hurting my feelings so much that I cry and cry and cry. I haven't the will powe to diet. I can't take the jokes or humiliation any more. Can you please make your readers aware that overwight people have feelings too. Perhaps you can get the message across Danno.
signed....Big Girl in Sacramento
Dear Big,
Unfortunately in todays siciety, people will laugh and make fun of anyone who is less than perfect. We live in a cosmetic world, I'm afraid. It is disgraceful, but we have been taught this at a very early age. Hopefully in the future, people will be more sensitive to folks just as yourself who have eating disorders. Thanks for your letter fatso.

Dear Danno,
I am an eleven year old boy. My Mom is afraid to tell me about sex. Can you tell me about it, and how it all works?
signed....Anxious Kid in Spokane
Dear Anxious Kid,
Well...you see...a man has a...er..pee pee, and a woman has a....uh...a no pee pee. The man uses his pee pee to......well....the man uses his....oh, go ask your father!

Dear Danno,
Do you go to garage sales?
signed...Curious in Denton
Dear Curious,
No...I already own a garage.

Dear Danno,
Why aren't parents calling or naming their children "Dick" < anymore? What's wrong with that name? What a sad place this world will become if there are no more Dicks in it.
signed....Old Timer in Oxford
Dear Old Timer,
Judging by your letter, I can only come to the conclusion that you yourself must be a Dick.

Dear Danno,
What do you think of Windows 95'?
signed....PC User in Peoria
Dear User,
I have heard alot of talk about Windows 95, but I don't need new windows. I still have the windows that were put in when my house was built. I call them: Windows 79.

Dear Danno,
I just learned that there is a sick group of people across the country that play a game called "Road Kill". The objective of this so-called game is to run over small animals while driving. Each species of animals has a point value. For example...a bird is worth one point...a squirrel is worth two points, and so on. This is shocking and appauling! What can be done about this?
signed....Shocked in Indiana
Dear Shocked,
Thanks for asking. We're currently trying to expand into Canada. We will be hosting a charity event in September and all proceeds will go to "Save the Wildlife" Foundation. Remember...without our little woodland creatures, we have no "Roadkill". By the way...a squirrel is worth three points.

Dear Danno,
I am at wits end! I am addicted to golf. I think about it day and night, and I am obsessed with it. But I am not getting any better at playing golf, and I think I am headed for a nervous breakdown. You see, as a result, I am having golf nightmares. I see golf balls in my sleep...I see golf balls at work and at home. Golf balls everywhere! Those little white balls are driving me crazy! Everything resembles a white golf ball to me. I'm cracking up Danno! Any suggestions?
signed....Cracking Up in Clemmons
Dear Cracking,
This sounds serious. Those little white balls are going to drive you nuts! You need to do something to take your mind off of those little white balls. May I suggest ping pong?

Dear Danno,
Knock knock...
signed...Joker in Jacksonville
Dear Joker,
Who's there?

Dear Danno,
I have a problem. I have multiple personalities. No I don't. Yes you do. He does not! Yes I do. See what I mean Danno? I have three people inside my head. There he goes blaming us again. Doctors have tried to help me...I mean us, but it's not working. That's because you're stubborn...you won't listen to his advice. Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? What can I do Danno?
signed.......Three in One in Taskerville
Dear Three,
You need to have a long man to man to man conversation with yourself. If you can't work this out among yourselves, you should either contact another doctor, or have the smartest personality talk to a network about a possible Movie of the week.

Dear Danno,
I hate answering machines! Whoever invented them should be shot.
signed...Angry in Anaheim
Dear Angry,
I'm sorry...but I can't answer your letter right now. Please leave your name and number and I will respond to you as soon a possible. Have a good day.

Dear Danno,
If I am making love to three women at the same time, do I need three condoms?
signed....Sexpot in Sarasota
Dear Sexpot,
No....one is the condominimum.


NOTE TO READERS: I sounded unusually harsh this week. I can assure you that none of my letters are real. I have nothing against any of the groups of people mentioned above...and I love animals...Ok, I hate golf...but that's it.
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