Danno To The Rescue

Dear Readers: Before I became a "well-known" advice columnist, I was a 911 Emergency operator. Through the magic of transcripts, I am able to share with you my first, and subsequently, last day working as a 911 operator!

DANNO: Hello...911...can I help you?
CALLER: Help! Please help me! Someone's trying to break into my house!
DANNO: Hold on Ma'am...my lunch just arrived... thanks Melvin...
CALLER: Please...I think he has a gun!
DANNO: He has a gum?
CALLER: A gun! He has a gun!
DANNO: Hey Melvin...I ordered egg salad, not tuna fish!
CALLER: It is a gun...please send help!
DANNO: I hate tuna fish!
CALLER: He just shot my dog!
DANNO: And who said anything about rye gread?
CALLER: Oh my God..he's pointing a gun at me!
DANNO: Where's my pickle?
CALLER: Auuggghhhh!

CALLER DISCONNECT

DANNO: 911...can I help you?
CALLER: Help me! My son is choking!
DANNO: I'm sure your son's joking is funny Ma'am...but this line is for emergencies only. Sorry.

911 OPERATOR DISCONNECT

DANNO: Hello...911...
CALLER: Help! My son drank an entire bottle of Drano!
DANNO: Well, I'm sure he'll flush it out..ha ha.. get it!
CALLER: What should I do?
DANNO: Don't panic...chances of your toilet backing up before you buy more Drano is minimal. Just in case, you may want to have a plunger handy.
CALLER: My son is starting to turn blue!
DANNO: Are you sure he didn't drink Tidy Bowl?
CALLER: Hey, I need help here!
DANNO: With what now?
CALLER: Are you joking?
DANNO: I'm not choking. I finished lunch about twenty minutes ago...gotta go...bye

911 OPERATOR DISCONNECT

DANNO: Hello...911...
CALLER: Someone's trying to kill me! Send the police!
DANNO: Are you sure?
CALLER: Yes...hurry!
DANNO: OK..hold on...
DANNO DISPATCHING: Calling all cars! Put your donuts down! I got a woman who says someone is trying to kill her.
UNIT58: This is car 58 Dispatch. Do you have an address?
DANNO DISPATCHING: Yes, I live at 555 Miller Road. What does that have to do with anything?
UNIT58: Not your address, the victims.
DANNO DISPATCHING: I'm not a secretary you know. Hold on...
DANNO: Ma'am...what's your address?
CALLER: 1212 Veterans Road
DANNO: Hold on...
DANNO DISPATCHING: She's at 2121 Vetinarian Road
UNIT58: Never heard of it. Do you have a twenty?
DANNO DISPATCHING: I'm sorry, but I don't know you well enough to loan you a twenty.
UNIT58: You imbecil! A twenty is a code for location. Who the hell is this anyway?
DANNO DISPATCHING: Who me....I'm....uh....Melvin...

911 OPERATOR DISCONNECT

DANNO: 911...hi...
CALLER: My house is on fire!
DANNO: Hold on sir....bye Melvin...sorry you were fired...
CALLER: What?
DANNO: Oh, not you sir...today Melvin was fired. No pun intended...ha ha.
CALLER: Please send the fire department!
DANNO: Okay, I will ...bye bye...please call again
911 OPERATOR DISCONNECT

DANNO: Hello...911...
CALLER: My address....you didn't ask for my address...
DANNO: And you are......
CALLER: My house is on fire...remember?
DANNO: Oh yes...what's your address?
CALLER: It's 991 Hagel Street
DANNO: Hagel street? Do you know where the Susquihana Hat company is? My brother was killed on Hagel Street. Get it...Abbott and Costello routine.
CALLER: Oh no...my clothing is on fire
DANNO: Sir...don't panic. You're going to be okay. You will be fine. No need to get yourself upset. You're gonna make it. By the way, I hope you're an organ donor...

CALLER DISCONNECT

DANNO: Hi..911...how can I help you?
CALLER: I just heard gunshots from the house next door
DANNO: Are you sure they weren't hunting?
CALLER: In their kitchen? I don't think so.
DANNO: Is anyone screaming?
CALLER: Screaming? Yes...
DANNO: Are you sure they're not having sex.
CALLER: With gunshots going off? I doubt that too...
DANNO: Well, what would you like me to do?
CALLER: You're the expert...
DANNO: OK..what's your address?
CALLER: 743 Hilton Street.
DANNO: OK...let me make sure I have the correct spelling...that's... s..t..r..e..e..t...is that correct?
CALLER: Just send the cops, will ya?

CALLER DISCONNECT

DANNO DISPATCHING: Attention all cars, I need a cop to go to 743 Hilton Street...
UNIT58: What's the problem?
DANNO DISPATCHING: The guy is shooting at his neighbors!

DANNO: 911...
CALLER: Yeah...the neighbors house is being robbed.
DANNO: Okiedokie...what's the address?
CALLER: They live at 170 Howser Street.
DANNO: Hold on sir...
DANNO DISPATCHING: Calling all cars , I have a robbery in progress at 170 Howswer Street.
UNIT63: Do you have a code 319 in progress?
DANNO DISPATCHING: No, I have a robbery in progress..
UNIT63:That is a code 319.
DANNO DISPATCHING: Alright...then I have a 319 in progress...a robbery...
UNIT63: Unit 63 responding...
DANNO DISPATCHING: You already responded to me...
UNIT63: Headed to the scene! You must be the Melvin guy we heard about...

DANNO: 911...
CALLER: I'm having my baby!
DANNO: (as sung to the tune of Paul Anka's "Having My Baby")What a lovely way to say how much you love me...

DANNO DISPATCHING: Calling Unit 63...Are you there Debbie?
UNIT63: That's Officer Stickly. This is Unit 63...go ahead dispatch...
DANNO DISPATCHING: I have a code 74...
UNIT63: What is the location of the bank robbery?
DANNO DISPATCHING: Bank robbery...I must have given you the wrong code....how about a code 64?
UNIT 63: 10-4...did you call the bomb squad?
DANNO DISPATCHING: Bomb? I must have given you the wrong one again...how about a code 69?
UNIT63: I don't know of a 69...
DANNO DISPATCHING: Then Honey, you live a sheltered life!

5 minutes laater, I was fired. I don't know why...

see you next week!

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Email: bookemdanno1@webtv.net