Danno's September Stock Advice

AMWAY-BUY Here's what you do: buy 100 shares, then tell three of your friends to buy 100 shares at 1/4 higher than you did. And they'll tell three friends to buy 100 shares at 3/8 higher than you...and so on. Before long, you're rich!

FANNIE MAE-SELL Who is this lady that everybody wants to buy what she is selling? I never heard of her, so why should I buy her stock? She sounds like someone who used to be on Hollywood Squares. And while we're at it, beware of some guy named Ira and another named Freddie Mac who also want you to buy their stuff!

TIME LIFE-BUY Here's how it works: Every month they'll send you 20 shares of stock. If you don't want it, simply send it back within thirty days for a full refund. If you decide to keep the stock, do nothing and you will be billed later.

XEROX-BUY BUY They they make make real real good good copy copy machines machines..

FINGERHUT-BUY Buy 100 shares now, and no payments until January 1998. Then you will only pay $8.66 a month until it is paid. Buy 100 shares now, and receive a free gift!

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL-SELL Who would buy a newspaper without comic strips?

McDONALDS-SELL Unlike the other place, they don't give it to you YOUR way. I asked my stock broker to buy 100 shares for me, hold the commission...and he said no.

McDONNELL DOUGLAS-BUY Ol' McDonell Douglas is a good buy, e-i-e-i-o

WASTE MANAGEMENT-SELL Who needs to manage their waste...and just what kind of waste are we talking about?

KIMBERLY CLARK-SELL I had an ex-girlfriend named Kimberly

INTERNATIONAL PAPER-BUY OR SELL I don't know what the difference might be between Spanish paper or French paper. I personally don't care if my paper is international or domestic.

WENDYS-SELL I married a girl named Wendy who I wish WAS an ex-girlfriend.

FEDERAL EXPRESS -SELL Unlike their packages, you don't get a full refund if their stock doesn't go up in 24 hours or less!

JC PENNEY- SELL Any company that mispells penny can't have very good management...

RJ REYNOLDS- BUY Don't believe that stuff about how they sell to and encourage kids to start smoking. I've been smoking Camels since I was thirteen, and i never saw them encourage me!

FUNK & WAGNEL-SELL No one funkin' buys funkin' encyclopedias and funkin' more! Sell the funkin' stock if you funkin' got it!

MITSUBISHI-SELL The name sounds too much like raw fish. I don't want to drive around in a raw fish...it's bad enough I drive around now in a zodiac sign...

FIRST BOSTON BANK-SELL Shop around, you may be able to get Second or Third Boston a little cheaper.

DOMINO'S-BUY Receive the stock certificate in thirty minutes or less, or the stock is free!

HUDSON FOODS-SELL Food worthy only for in-laws

GOODWRENCH-SELL Have you seen Dale Earnhardts driving lately?

EASTMAN KODAK-SELL Have a friend who works for Eastman Kodak...he uses Fugi film

LA GEAR-SELL Sneakers smell like smog

McDONALDS-SELL AGAIN Two words: Arch Deluxe

BURGER KING-BUY Two words: Arch Deluxe

CAMPBELLS SOUP-BUY Hmm hmm good, hmm hmm good, that's what Campbell's stock is, Hmm hmm good!

CBS-SELL Have you seen Dellaventura yet?

EX-LAX SELL Not only did it relieve you of constipation, but it relieved you of your small intestine too!

US AIR-SELL Prices going up so high, they may as well change it to Con Air.

CONVERSE-SELL Right on having Mr. Spreewell as a spokesman...

FTD-SELL stands for Flowers: Tardy Delivery

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