DANNO: Hello...suicide prevention hotline...
CALLER: It's all over! I'm going to kill
myself!
DANNO: Why?
CALLER: My wife left me for another man...
DANNO: For that you want to kill yourself? I have
friends who would celebrate!
CALLER: But I love my wife...
DANNO: How long were you married?
CALLER: Ten years ago, today!
DANNO: Oh..well Happy Anniversary!
CALLER: There is no anniversary...she left!
DANNO: Oh yes, I forgot. Gee if my wife left me on
our anniversary, I'd probably kill myself! caller disconnects
DANNO: Oops...
DANNO: Suicide hotline...You wind up dead, it's on
our head...
CALLER: I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna kill myself!
Don't try to talk me out of it!
DANNO: OK then...bye... operator disconnect
DANNO: Suicide hotline...you may die, but we still
try...
CALLER: My life is over. I'm going to kill
myself!
DANNO: Why?
CALLER: I just found out my son is gay...
DANNO: Oh Lord. May I suggest carbon monoxide
poisening? It's less painful...
CALLER: Uh...OK...thanks?
DANNO: Call again...bye... operator disconnect
DANNO: Suicide prevention...If you die...tell God I
said hi...
CALLER: I just took a whole bottle of aspirin...
DANNO: You must have had a killer headache! Next
time try a hot water bottle on your forehead.
CALLER: But.... operator disconnect
DANNO: Suicide hotline...If you're looking to be
deceased, we'll do more than a priest...
CALLER: Yes...can you tell me what the least painful
method of death would be?
DANNO: Old age...
CALLER: I can't wait that long. I want to kill
myself now.
DANNO: Why?
CALLER: Everyone's mean to me. I can't take people
yelling at me anymore...
DANNO: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard
of! What are you....a sissy!?! You dumb
son-of-a-b$#@%!! You make me sick!!! gunshot is heard
DANNO: ...and tell whoever is shooting the gun that
I can't talk with that noise!!! It's distracting me!
pause
DANNO: Hello? pause
DANNO: Hello? operator disconnect...gently
DANNO: Suicide hotline...Don't take your life, even
if you got a lousy wife...
CALLER: Yes...hello?
DANNO: Can I help you?
CALLER: I have a question....
DANNO: OK...shoot...
CALLER: Uh...you mean shoot with the question, or
shoot with the gun?
DANNO: Whatever...
CALLER: Uh..ok...if I kill myself...will I still go
to Heaven?
DANNO: The last dead guy I spoke with didn't tell
me...sorry. But please let me know should you decide
to kill yourself, OK?
CALLER: Uh....i guess so... operator disconnect
DANNO: Suicide prevention...if you do it, we blew
it!
CALLER: Uh...hi...
DANNO: Can I help you buddy?
CALLER: Yeah...I got an order here for two pepperoni
pizzas, and I can't find where you're located.
DANNO: Oh my God...no! operator muffles receiver
Hey, quiet everyone! I have an emergency here!
CALLER: Yeah..anyway, I'm not going to be abl to
deliver these pizzas to you..
DANO: My God, son..no! Don't do it...please!
CALLER: I have no choie, Dude...
DANNO: Please reconsider. What's your name?
CALLER: Uh..Ricky...
DANNO: Ricky...please don't do this. You don't have
to do this! Where are you now?
CALLER: I'm at a pay phone downtown somewhere.
DANNO: OK...stay there Ricky. Don't do anything
rash!
CALLER: I'm sorry Dude...I gotta go...bye... caller disconnect
DANNO: No wait! Ricky! pause
DANNO: Damn it...I lost him. Did we get a trace!?!
DANNO: Hello....
CALLER: hello?
DANNO: Yeah?
CALLER: Is this the suicide prevention hotline?
DANNO: Yeah...
CALLER: Gee, you sound depressed. Are you OK?
DANNO: Not really, no. Our pizza never arrived.
CALLER: Wow...bummer...
DANNO: I can't take it. I'm so hungry, I could just
die.
CALLER: Hang in there Pal. That's no reason to kill
yourself.
DANNO: Sometimes, life isn't fair...
CALLER: I know, but there will be better days ahead.
Just hang in there...ok?
DANNO: Maybe you're right. I guess I was just
looking for sympathy. Thanks a lot.
CALLER: Don't mention it... operator disconnect
DANNO: Suicide prevention...unlike Nike, don't just
do it...
CALLER: Can I tell you why I want to kill
myself?
DANNO: Shoot...
CALLER: Shoot?
DANNO: Yes...shoot!
CALLER: Are you sure?
DANNO: Yes...I'm ready..go ahead! gunshot is heard
DANNO: Oops...
